My History with Depression
Eight years ago today my husband left for a 7-month deployment. We had two kids under 3 and I was pregnant with number 3. My mom wanted us to move in with her while he was gone, but I thought I would be okay. I was not. This wasn't my first time dealing with depression, but it was the first time that I couldn't easily fix it.
I had small issues with depression when I was a teenager, but the first real bout I remember was postpartum. Five days after my first child was born, I remember having a complete breakdown in the car at the tennis courts where my husband was meeting his dad for a match. I went from being completely independent to having a little person with me ALL THE TIME. I know I'm not alone with this feeling. I had to return to work in 5 weeks so we decided that I would pump now so my husband could bottle feed her from time to time and give me a break. It worked and I was able to move on.
I struggled when my second was born, but was so lucky to have amazing neighbors who came to my rescue. They were about the age of my in-laws and didn't have any family nearby. They "adopted" us and treated us like we were their kids. Toward the end of our time living by each other, we were eating dinner together almost every night. Brad would come pick up my oldest, take her to visit his wife at work and to get lunch. He'd come get her when it was nap time for the baby so I could sleep. What a difference that made in my sanity!
About a month after my husband deployed, I wasn't doing well. I remember going out for my birthday to The Olive Garden. I knew my server so she chatted with me quite a bit which prevented me from crying over dinner, but I certainly cried on the drive home. Perhaps it was the pregnancy hormones or perhaps I would've been a hot mess no matter what, but I knew I needed help. Luckily I had an amazing OB. When I first saw her, she had me fill out a questionnaire that rated depression levels. I answered it honestly and was a little scared about what she was going to say. She took a look at it and commented how it wasn't so great. I told her what was going on and how I was feeling worried sick that she would deem me an unfit mother. When I finished, I'll never forget what she said. "I remember when I felt like that when my husband was deployed. I would lock myself in the bathroom and scream into a towel so my kids wouldn't hear me." A wave of relief washed over me. She understood me and knew that even though I was struggling, I was still a good mother. She prescribed antidepressants and continued with the exam. Those antidepressants ended up really messing with my body and it took awhile to level out again, but they dampened my emotions enough that I was able to handle my situation.
A year and a half later, I found myself driving across the country in a van with my two older kids. I was following a moving truck driven by my brother. My husband had to fly out ahead of us and took the baby to make travel for me easier. We were leaving the military which also meant we were taking a pay cut; a big pay cut. We were moving near my family so I was okay with it until we bought our house. It was 50 years old, had no air conditioning, no dishwasher, no disposal, and no garage. I had just left a newly renovated home that had all of those features. I had spent the last several years spending money and going places when I felt like it. Now I couldn't even afford to drive the 50 miles to my parents' house. I was unhappy and didn't hide it well. My husband has since told me that I was a different person during this time. I wasn't much of a wife, mother, or homemaker. I wasn't myself. I stopped taking the antidepressants around this time too. I don't know if they were adding to the problem or if it was all circumstantial. I do know that now I function better without. My husband said it took about two years after he got back from his deployment for me to become "me" again.
These experiences were hard and ones that I wouldn't want to relive, but I learned a lot about myself. I learned what my triggers for depression are. I learned how to combat them before it gets too bad. I'm not always on top of it, but I do so much better than I did. When we found ourselves moving another thousand miles away, my husband had to go ahead again, but this time, I was fine. His absence didn't shut me down. I was able to function and get stuff done. In fact, I finished the projects we had on our house, put it on the market, handled the leak in the roof that led to water gushing onto to my kitchen floor, and packed the thing up. I was the complete opposite of who I was when we first moved there. It was empowering to see what I was capable of.
So why do I bring this up? Over the next few weeks I'm going to be sharing posts that hinge on this information. A lot of what I do and why I do it is to prevent falling into depression again. It's a very real and dark hole and now I know how to stay out of it. True, I do get close from time to time and sometimes sit on the edge dangling my feet in, but I've been able to stay out and maybe the tricks I use will help you too.
I had small issues with depression when I was a teenager, but the first real bout I remember was postpartum. Five days after my first child was born, I remember having a complete breakdown in the car at the tennis courts where my husband was meeting his dad for a match. I went from being completely independent to having a little person with me ALL THE TIME. I know I'm not alone with this feeling. I had to return to work in 5 weeks so we decided that I would pump now so my husband could bottle feed her from time to time and give me a break. It worked and I was able to move on.
I struggled when my second was born, but was so lucky to have amazing neighbors who came to my rescue. They were about the age of my in-laws and didn't have any family nearby. They "adopted" us and treated us like we were their kids. Toward the end of our time living by each other, we were eating dinner together almost every night. Brad would come pick up my oldest, take her to visit his wife at work and to get lunch. He'd come get her when it was nap time for the baby so I could sleep. What a difference that made in my sanity!
About a month after my husband deployed, I wasn't doing well. I remember going out for my birthday to The Olive Garden. I knew my server so she chatted with me quite a bit which prevented me from crying over dinner, but I certainly cried on the drive home. Perhaps it was the pregnancy hormones or perhaps I would've been a hot mess no matter what, but I knew I needed help. Luckily I had an amazing OB. When I first saw her, she had me fill out a questionnaire that rated depression levels. I answered it honestly and was a little scared about what she was going to say. She took a look at it and commented how it wasn't so great. I told her what was going on and how I was feeling worried sick that she would deem me an unfit mother. When I finished, I'll never forget what she said. "I remember when I felt like that when my husband was deployed. I would lock myself in the bathroom and scream into a towel so my kids wouldn't hear me." A wave of relief washed over me. She understood me and knew that even though I was struggling, I was still a good mother. She prescribed antidepressants and continued with the exam. Those antidepressants ended up really messing with my body and it took awhile to level out again, but they dampened my emotions enough that I was able to handle my situation.
A year and a half later, I found myself driving across the country in a van with my two older kids. I was following a moving truck driven by my brother. My husband had to fly out ahead of us and took the baby to make travel for me easier. We were leaving the military which also meant we were taking a pay cut; a big pay cut. We were moving near my family so I was okay with it until we bought our house. It was 50 years old, had no air conditioning, no dishwasher, no disposal, and no garage. I had just left a newly renovated home that had all of those features. I had spent the last several years spending money and going places when I felt like it. Now I couldn't even afford to drive the 50 miles to my parents' house. I was unhappy and didn't hide it well. My husband has since told me that I was a different person during this time. I wasn't much of a wife, mother, or homemaker. I wasn't myself. I stopped taking the antidepressants around this time too. I don't know if they were adding to the problem or if it was all circumstantial. I do know that now I function better without. My husband said it took about two years after he got back from his deployment for me to become "me" again.
These experiences were hard and ones that I wouldn't want to relive, but I learned a lot about myself. I learned what my triggers for depression are. I learned how to combat them before it gets too bad. I'm not always on top of it, but I do so much better than I did. When we found ourselves moving another thousand miles away, my husband had to go ahead again, but this time, I was fine. His absence didn't shut me down. I was able to function and get stuff done. In fact, I finished the projects we had on our house, put it on the market, handled the leak in the roof that led to water gushing onto to my kitchen floor, and packed the thing up. I was the complete opposite of who I was when we first moved there. It was empowering to see what I was capable of.
So why do I bring this up? Over the next few weeks I'm going to be sharing posts that hinge on this information. A lot of what I do and why I do it is to prevent falling into depression again. It's a very real and dark hole and now I know how to stay out of it. True, I do get close from time to time and sometimes sit on the edge dangling my feet in, but I've been able to stay out and maybe the tricks I use will help you too.
I am so grateful for your honesty. It resonates so much with me! After years of struggling with anxiety, i finally talked to my OB after I had Riley. She told me I should start taking meds, much like you. For me, the meds were a game changer. It’s harder for me to lose weight while on them, but i can function and I can think clearly. I’m so glad you’ve been able to find out what works for you and you’re able to see the edge of the cliff before getting too close to it. What an amazing woman you are!
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