What's the Point?
When I started this blog, my intent was to talk about my journey with diet and exercise. Although I'm a private person, I don't mind talking about this side of me. I can talk about what I'm eating, whether I'm losing or gaining weight, how I'm exercising, or any other weird body thing without thinking twice. Maybe it's because we all have issues with these things, so why not be open about my own experiences?
I was on track to complete my first six week program of diet and exercise and looking forward to the next six week program. I had formulated a few experiments that I was going to do, but all of that crashed when I hurt my back. Instead of experimenting, I'm just happy that I can sneeze without having excruciating pain. I went from being able to touch the floor with straight legs to barely being able to touch my knees. Trying to straighten my legs when I'm sitting with my feet up is ridiculously painful.
The interesting thing about hurting my back is that I realized something about myself. A few days after hurting it, I was driving home from the store. I was thinking about how mad I was about hurting my back when I thought to myself, "I could just cry!" then proceeded to say out loud, "What's the point? It won't change anything." and I felt myself repress the emotions. In that moment it hit me that that's exactly what I've been doing over the last 2 years! Why feel guilty about moving? Why be upset about my mom dying? Why be mad that I hurt my back? It won't undo any of it so just suppress it.
I talked to my therapist about this a few days later and he asked me exactly that: "what's the point?" I answered that I figured it was human to have emotions and that expressing them makes you feel better. He pointed out that even Jesus wept, so wouldn't it be more than human to cry? Wouldn't it be perfect to show emotions?
So you know what? I'm going to show emotions. Right now I'm mad that my back is hurt. I'm angry that I did something so stupid that has affected my body so much. I'm angry that I pulled the muscle again two days ago doing laundry. Laundry! I'm angry that my body doesn't perform the way I want it to. I'm angry that my knees are so messed up that climbing stairs is painful. I'm angry that every time I try to improve my body through exercise, I end up injuring myself which just sets me back. I know how to exercise properly, but apparently now that I'm older, it's easier to hurt myself. Seriously, I'm not that old.
Now, it's true that saying all of that isn't going to magically fix the problems. It's going to do absolutely nothing to heal my body, but it sure feels good to express it! I'm going to have to learn to accept my body, weak links and all. I'm not going to be running marathons; I'm going to be doing yoga and easy yoga at that. I don't think my shoulder, back, and knees can handle more than the basic stuff. Ideally, I'd like to get back to a gym for lifting weights, but who knows if my body will be able to handle that? I may not be able to do everything I want, but there's no reason why I can't make the most of what I can do.
On that note, the tone of this blog may be shifting for a while. Although I'd love to focus on diet and exercise, until my back is fully healed and I'm able to return to regular exercise, I won't have much to say. Either I'm going to be quiet for a little while, start experimenting with my diet, or I'll post some of the things I'm writing for counseling. It's weird because I can tell you about how disappointed I am that I injured my back, but it's hard to express my feelings about my mom's death. It feels too much like, "Look at me!" Expressing those emotions are hard and painful - especially since I don't have solutions. I don't know the direction I want to go yet, but there is a point and I just have to find it.
I was on track to complete my first six week program of diet and exercise and looking forward to the next six week program. I had formulated a few experiments that I was going to do, but all of that crashed when I hurt my back. Instead of experimenting, I'm just happy that I can sneeze without having excruciating pain. I went from being able to touch the floor with straight legs to barely being able to touch my knees. Trying to straighten my legs when I'm sitting with my feet up is ridiculously painful.
The interesting thing about hurting my back is that I realized something about myself. A few days after hurting it, I was driving home from the store. I was thinking about how mad I was about hurting my back when I thought to myself, "I could just cry!" then proceeded to say out loud, "What's the point? It won't change anything." and I felt myself repress the emotions. In that moment it hit me that that's exactly what I've been doing over the last 2 years! Why feel guilty about moving? Why be upset about my mom dying? Why be mad that I hurt my back? It won't undo any of it so just suppress it.
I talked to my therapist about this a few days later and he asked me exactly that: "what's the point?" I answered that I figured it was human to have emotions and that expressing them makes you feel better. He pointed out that even Jesus wept, so wouldn't it be more than human to cry? Wouldn't it be perfect to show emotions?
So you know what? I'm going to show emotions. Right now I'm mad that my back is hurt. I'm angry that I did something so stupid that has affected my body so much. I'm angry that I pulled the muscle again two days ago doing laundry. Laundry! I'm angry that my body doesn't perform the way I want it to. I'm angry that my knees are so messed up that climbing stairs is painful. I'm angry that every time I try to improve my body through exercise, I end up injuring myself which just sets me back. I know how to exercise properly, but apparently now that I'm older, it's easier to hurt myself. Seriously, I'm not that old.
Now, it's true that saying all of that isn't going to magically fix the problems. It's going to do absolutely nothing to heal my body, but it sure feels good to express it! I'm going to have to learn to accept my body, weak links and all. I'm not going to be running marathons; I'm going to be doing yoga and easy yoga at that. I don't think my shoulder, back, and knees can handle more than the basic stuff. Ideally, I'd like to get back to a gym for lifting weights, but who knows if my body will be able to handle that? I may not be able to do everything I want, but there's no reason why I can't make the most of what I can do.
On that note, the tone of this blog may be shifting for a while. Although I'd love to focus on diet and exercise, until my back is fully healed and I'm able to return to regular exercise, I won't have much to say. Either I'm going to be quiet for a little while, start experimenting with my diet, or I'll post some of the things I'm writing for counseling. It's weird because I can tell you about how disappointed I am that I injured my back, but it's hard to express my feelings about my mom's death. It feels too much like, "Look at me!" Expressing those emotions are hard and painful - especially since I don't have solutions. I don't know the direction I want to go yet, but there is a point and I just have to find it.
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