A Trip Home
I'm from Utah. I lived there, on and off, for most of my life. Honestly, once we moved from my childhood home at 16, it stopped feeling like home. True, I would claim it when people asked where I was from, but it wasn't "home" for me. I visit Utah regularly because my immediate family and almost all of my extended family live there. During the visits, I always come to the conclusion that I don't ever want to live there again because "fill in the blank" and am happy to leave. It was so easy to find something about that state to hate that I'd use to cover my real emotions. Therapy changed that.
We've known about this trip for awhile. My brother and his wife were celebrating a big milestone in their marriage; one that I absolutely would not miss. As the trip drew closer, I found myself being very wishy-washy about when we should leave. My kids would miss school and there were field trips and school activities that were making it difficult to make a decision - or so I thought. About two weeks before we needed to be there, I realized why I couldn't decide when to leave. I didn't want to go. A lot had changed since my last visit and they were changes that I didn't want to address. I wanted to lock them away with all of my other emotions and just ignore everything. Luckily, I had a therapy session about a week before we left so I was able to talk everything out with my therapist. He helped me see that this would be a good trip; an opportunity to open my heart and feel emotions that I hadn't in a long time. He told me he felt like I was standing at a door, one that I wasn't aware of until recently. With his help, I understand that my emotionless, repressed life isn't one that I want to live anymore, but I'm not sure where I'm going. He encouraged me to open my heart and the door to find out what awaits.
After talking with him, I started making plans to see friends that I hadn't seen in years. We ended up having almost every moment of every day planned with visits. I saw my 97-year old grandma at my uncle's house. I visited my 100-year old grandpa with my dad. I spent time with my siblings. We went bowling and hung out with two childhood friends who I've known almost my entire life. I had lunch with another childhood best friend. We spent the night with friends and had dinner with others. I opened my heart and realized just how much I miss Utah. It never felt like home more than that trip.
I think the highlight of the trip was visiting my mom's grave. Now, that may seem like a weird thing to say, but let me explain why. I didn't live in Utah when she died so every time I've been back, I've been with family when visiting her grave. Because of this, I've never allowed myself to feel anything while being there. I knew this time had to be different. When we first got there, I asked our kids and husband what their favorite thing was about my mom. We talked a bit and then my husband took our kids for a walk. I laid on my stomach, looking at the headstone, started talking to her, and let the tears come. There were a lot of them. I miss her so much and as much as I'd rather repress those emotions, it felt so good to express them. When I was finished, I didn't feel rainbows and butterflies, but I did feel peace. I know that my grief isn't over, but in a way, in that moment, it was completed. I know it's not the end of my grief, but I've finally honored it.
For the first time since I moved from Utah, it actually felt like home. A piece of me was there that I hadn't realized was missing. I hope to be able to move back there, but for now, am content where we are.
Since starting therapy, I've learned a lot about myself and it's almost overwhelming. I feel like I've unlocked something within myself and I need to figure out what it is. I have an idea, but one that I'm not ready to share. I need to explore the possibility first. I have such potential and it's scary to me. It's so daunting and exciting to see where I can go and what I can do. I feel a pull to do something big and I think it's time to walk through the door.
We've known about this trip for awhile. My brother and his wife were celebrating a big milestone in their marriage; one that I absolutely would not miss. As the trip drew closer, I found myself being very wishy-washy about when we should leave. My kids would miss school and there were field trips and school activities that were making it difficult to make a decision - or so I thought. About two weeks before we needed to be there, I realized why I couldn't decide when to leave. I didn't want to go. A lot had changed since my last visit and they were changes that I didn't want to address. I wanted to lock them away with all of my other emotions and just ignore everything. Luckily, I had a therapy session about a week before we left so I was able to talk everything out with my therapist. He helped me see that this would be a good trip; an opportunity to open my heart and feel emotions that I hadn't in a long time. He told me he felt like I was standing at a door, one that I wasn't aware of until recently. With his help, I understand that my emotionless, repressed life isn't one that I want to live anymore, but I'm not sure where I'm going. He encouraged me to open my heart and the door to find out what awaits.
After talking with him, I started making plans to see friends that I hadn't seen in years. We ended up having almost every moment of every day planned with visits. I saw my 97-year old grandma at my uncle's house. I visited my 100-year old grandpa with my dad. I spent time with my siblings. We went bowling and hung out with two childhood friends who I've known almost my entire life. I had lunch with another childhood best friend. We spent the night with friends and had dinner with others. I opened my heart and realized just how much I miss Utah. It never felt like home more than that trip.
I think the highlight of the trip was visiting my mom's grave. Now, that may seem like a weird thing to say, but let me explain why. I didn't live in Utah when she died so every time I've been back, I've been with family when visiting her grave. Because of this, I've never allowed myself to feel anything while being there. I knew this time had to be different. When we first got there, I asked our kids and husband what their favorite thing was about my mom. We talked a bit and then my husband took our kids for a walk. I laid on my stomach, looking at the headstone, started talking to her, and let the tears come. There were a lot of them. I miss her so much and as much as I'd rather repress those emotions, it felt so good to express them. When I was finished, I didn't feel rainbows and butterflies, but I did feel peace. I know that my grief isn't over, but in a way, in that moment, it was completed. I know it's not the end of my grief, but I've finally honored it.
For the first time since I moved from Utah, it actually felt like home. A piece of me was there that I hadn't realized was missing. I hope to be able to move back there, but for now, am content where we are.
Since starting therapy, I've learned a lot about myself and it's almost overwhelming. I feel like I've unlocked something within myself and I need to figure out what it is. I have an idea, but one that I'm not ready to share. I need to explore the possibility first. I have such potential and it's scary to me. It's so daunting and exciting to see where I can go and what I can do. I feel a pull to do something big and I think it's time to walk through the door.
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