Thou Shalt Feel Guilt
I knew a woman who used to joke that as women we have an eleventh commandment: Thou shalt feel guilt. I thought that was such a funny thing for her to say, but I've since realized that there's a lot of truth to it. Part of my homework from counseling is to write my emotions. I'm supposed to open a door to the emotions I've been suppressing and let myself feel them. There are two things I've learned from doing that. First, I'm angry and second, I feel guilty.
My husband moved to Texas almost 3 months before me and our kids. The housing market in our area was (and is) very competitive. We were told by our realtor that an offer contingent on us selling our Utah home wouldn't be accepted. He had a place to stay, but it wouldn't accommodate our entire family. As he was trying to find temporary housing, I stayed with my only sister and her family. We were with her for a few weeks before my husband found a place for us to stay and then we joined him.
Two weeks after moving to Texas, my sister's husband had a stroke. I won't go into details, as they're not my details to share, but I will say that it was incredibly stressful for my sister as she juggled her kids, her husband, and her life. All the while I was thinking, "I was just there. I was living there TWO weeks ago! I should've been there. She could've done whatever she needed to and I would've been there. I would have taken over with her kids and she wouldn't have to worry about anything. I was just there." To add insult to injury, she hurt her back several weeks later which resulted in months of pain, limited mobility, and surgery. It was the worst feeling knowing that I had unknowingly and unintentionally abandoned my sister.
My husband and I lived 5 minutes from my parents in 2006 when my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Their next closest child was over 9 hours away. I was there, in the hospital when we were given the diagnosis. I was there when we thought it returned and I was there when it did return each time. My mom and I spent a lot of time together or on the phone talking about the whole process from the medical side to the emotional side. I was there physically, mentally, and emotionally, so when I received a call from my parents within 5 weeks of moving informing us that her cancer had returned (or stopped responding to treatments, I can't remember which), I felt guilty for not being there. I had abandoned my mom.
The rational side of my brain tells me that whether I was in Utah or Texas, these things still would have happened: my brother-in-law would have had a stroke, my sister would have had surgery, and my mom would have died. If I would have been there, I would have run myself ragged. I would have dropped 3 of my kids off at school and taken my youngest with me to my parents or sisters, depending on where I was needed. I would have spent the day there and came back when I needed to get my kids from school. I would have spent the rest of my day as a mother, wife, and fulfilling a demanding church calling. Perhaps this doesn't sound too bad, but my parents were an hour drive away while my sister was an hour and a half. Rationally, I wouldn't have been able to do this and living in Utah allowed others to serve my family. This all makes sense to me and yet, I feel guilty. My emotional side can't let go of that feeling of abandoning them in their time of need. I missed out on the opportunity to serve my sister and time with my mom.
I don't have a solution on how to overcome how I feel, but I'm confident there is one. Perhaps just talking about it and allowing myself to feel these emotions while reminding myself of the reality of the situation will help them connect. Regardless, this is one of the reasons I'm in counseling. One way or another, I won't let guilt rule my life anymore. My mom wouldn't want me to feel this way.
My husband moved to Texas almost 3 months before me and our kids. The housing market in our area was (and is) very competitive. We were told by our realtor that an offer contingent on us selling our Utah home wouldn't be accepted. He had a place to stay, but it wouldn't accommodate our entire family. As he was trying to find temporary housing, I stayed with my only sister and her family. We were with her for a few weeks before my husband found a place for us to stay and then we joined him.
Two weeks after moving to Texas, my sister's husband had a stroke. I won't go into details, as they're not my details to share, but I will say that it was incredibly stressful for my sister as she juggled her kids, her husband, and her life. All the while I was thinking, "I was just there. I was living there TWO weeks ago! I should've been there. She could've done whatever she needed to and I would've been there. I would have taken over with her kids and she wouldn't have to worry about anything. I was just there." To add insult to injury, she hurt her back several weeks later which resulted in months of pain, limited mobility, and surgery. It was the worst feeling knowing that I had unknowingly and unintentionally abandoned my sister.
My husband and I lived 5 minutes from my parents in 2006 when my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Their next closest child was over 9 hours away. I was there, in the hospital when we were given the diagnosis. I was there when we thought it returned and I was there when it did return each time. My mom and I spent a lot of time together or on the phone talking about the whole process from the medical side to the emotional side. I was there physically, mentally, and emotionally, so when I received a call from my parents within 5 weeks of moving informing us that her cancer had returned (or stopped responding to treatments, I can't remember which), I felt guilty for not being there. I had abandoned my mom.
The rational side of my brain tells me that whether I was in Utah or Texas, these things still would have happened: my brother-in-law would have had a stroke, my sister would have had surgery, and my mom would have died. If I would have been there, I would have run myself ragged. I would have dropped 3 of my kids off at school and taken my youngest with me to my parents or sisters, depending on where I was needed. I would have spent the day there and came back when I needed to get my kids from school. I would have spent the rest of my day as a mother, wife, and fulfilling a demanding church calling. Perhaps this doesn't sound too bad, but my parents were an hour drive away while my sister was an hour and a half. Rationally, I wouldn't have been able to do this and living in Utah allowed others to serve my family. This all makes sense to me and yet, I feel guilty. My emotional side can't let go of that feeling of abandoning them in their time of need. I missed out on the opportunity to serve my sister and time with my mom.
I don't have a solution on how to overcome how I feel, but I'm confident there is one. Perhaps just talking about it and allowing myself to feel these emotions while reminding myself of the reality of the situation will help them connect. Regardless, this is one of the reasons I'm in counseling. One way or another, I won't let guilt rule my life anymore. My mom wouldn't want me to feel this way.
It’s easy to feel a lot of anger and frustration with that time in our lives. I would have loved to have you here, but you would have overdone it. And I don’t feel like you abandoned us, I just feel like the timing sucked. Everything about that time sucked. Hope you can feel less guilt and I hope I can feel less sad. Love you!
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