Death Sucks & New Ideas
I began this post several different ways with a few different titles before settling on the one I did. It's been two years since my mom died. It sucks and it will continue to suck for the foreseeable future. The time from Mother's Day to June 2 is particularly difficult.
Being a mother without a mother on Mother's Day is tricky. On the one hand, I want nothing to do with the holiday because it's just a reminder that I don't have a mom to celebrate. I can hear people say, "You do have a mom and she's there with you in spirit." While that's true and I do believe in the afterlife, it offers no consolation in the moment. I don't want her there "in spirit"; I want her there in person so I can talk to her, laugh with her, hug her, and celebrate her. Although I'd rather skip the entire day, I am a mother and have four beautiful children who want to talk to me, laugh with me, hug me, and celebrate me. Trying to balance those emotions is hard!
I wasn't in a very good mood on Mother's Day. I spent the morning attending church which, except for all the talks about mothers that I mostly didn't listen to, proved to be a great distraction. I serve with the children in our ward and luckily, all the Mother's Day stuff had been done the week prior when we were out of town so I didn't have to think too much about the day. Once we got home, it was a different story. My kids were nitpicking each other like crazy and it was too much for me and my bad mood. I spent a good portion of the afternoon yelling. Happy Mother's Day to me. My husband had to work too, so I didn't get a break from being Mom. I'm used to my husband working holidays, so that wasn't a big deal, but it just didn't help. I think the worst part of it all was that all I really wanted to do was call my mom and tell her about it. I know she could relate as I'm sure she had Mother's Days similar to the one I was experiencing. I wanted to vent to her and apologize for my part in causing bad days.
Another part of this month that adds to the whole crappiness of death is Memorial Day. I spent my childhood, and the part of my adulthood I lived in Utah, visiting the graves of my deceased relatives every Memorial Day. We'd load up in the family car and make the rounds to the cemeteries, meeting other family and taking pictures. It was always fun and made Memorial Day special. Now it's just sad. Part of that is because I'm not in Utah and can't visit the graves with my family, but I also can't visit my mom's grave. I haven't been in Utah to visit her grave on Memorial Day. I don't know why, but that bothers me. It's nice to have my sister FaceTime me when they're there, but it's not the same. Perhaps this year won't be as bad since I was able to spend some much needed time alone with her grave a couple of weeks ago.
Finally, June 2nd. My mom's birthday. You know the worst part? I don't know what her favorite kind of cake was. That may sound silly, but it seems pointless to me to celebrate her birthday when I don't know what kind of cake she'd want. I didn't realize how little I knew my mom until after she died. I don't know her favorite color, or food, or dessert. How can I not know this information? She was one of my best friends and I spoke to her almost daily. I guess I took for granted the little things.
I think it's interesting where I am right now. Last year I wouldn't have given voice to any of these emotions. I felt them, but I locked them away before I could express them. It was so much easier to just ignore them rather than take the time to process them. Now, I'm not only aware of them, but also of the importance of acknowledging them. It's so much more work to do that, but it's also liberating. I don't know how else to describe it. I always thought processing was too much work which is why I didn't, but I've since realized that repressing is way more work. It takes so much mental energy to repress emotions which doesn't leave energy for much else. I think that's one of the reasons why I'm feeling a lot of creative energy right now. In addressing my repressed emotions, I've freed up mental energy and now it's coming through creatively. It gives an excitement to the process which encourages me to continue therapy.
I'm not ready to give voice to my creative energy yet. I thought I lost my imagination, but it turns out that I had it locked away with all the rest of my emotions. As I open myself up to being vulnerable to my emotions, I can feel my imagination opening up too. I can see what I want to create from the beginning to the end with every detail in between. I've never seen an idea this clearly before. It's really cool. When I'm ready to open my creative energy up to the vulnerability of social media, I'll share the process with you. It's been fascinating to me and I'd love to share... when the time is right.
Being a mother without a mother on Mother's Day is tricky. On the one hand, I want nothing to do with the holiday because it's just a reminder that I don't have a mom to celebrate. I can hear people say, "You do have a mom and she's there with you in spirit." While that's true and I do believe in the afterlife, it offers no consolation in the moment. I don't want her there "in spirit"; I want her there in person so I can talk to her, laugh with her, hug her, and celebrate her. Although I'd rather skip the entire day, I am a mother and have four beautiful children who want to talk to me, laugh with me, hug me, and celebrate me. Trying to balance those emotions is hard!
I wasn't in a very good mood on Mother's Day. I spent the morning attending church which, except for all the talks about mothers that I mostly didn't listen to, proved to be a great distraction. I serve with the children in our ward and luckily, all the Mother's Day stuff had been done the week prior when we were out of town so I didn't have to think too much about the day. Once we got home, it was a different story. My kids were nitpicking each other like crazy and it was too much for me and my bad mood. I spent a good portion of the afternoon yelling. Happy Mother's Day to me. My husband had to work too, so I didn't get a break from being Mom. I'm used to my husband working holidays, so that wasn't a big deal, but it just didn't help. I think the worst part of it all was that all I really wanted to do was call my mom and tell her about it. I know she could relate as I'm sure she had Mother's Days similar to the one I was experiencing. I wanted to vent to her and apologize for my part in causing bad days.
Another part of this month that adds to the whole crappiness of death is Memorial Day. I spent my childhood, and the part of my adulthood I lived in Utah, visiting the graves of my deceased relatives every Memorial Day. We'd load up in the family car and make the rounds to the cemeteries, meeting other family and taking pictures. It was always fun and made Memorial Day special. Now it's just sad. Part of that is because I'm not in Utah and can't visit the graves with my family, but I also can't visit my mom's grave. I haven't been in Utah to visit her grave on Memorial Day. I don't know why, but that bothers me. It's nice to have my sister FaceTime me when they're there, but it's not the same. Perhaps this year won't be as bad since I was able to spend some much needed time alone with her grave a couple of weeks ago.
Finally, June 2nd. My mom's birthday. You know the worst part? I don't know what her favorite kind of cake was. That may sound silly, but it seems pointless to me to celebrate her birthday when I don't know what kind of cake she'd want. I didn't realize how little I knew my mom until after she died. I don't know her favorite color, or food, or dessert. How can I not know this information? She was one of my best friends and I spoke to her almost daily. I guess I took for granted the little things.
I think it's interesting where I am right now. Last year I wouldn't have given voice to any of these emotions. I felt them, but I locked them away before I could express them. It was so much easier to just ignore them rather than take the time to process them. Now, I'm not only aware of them, but also of the importance of acknowledging them. It's so much more work to do that, but it's also liberating. I don't know how else to describe it. I always thought processing was too much work which is why I didn't, but I've since realized that repressing is way more work. It takes so much mental energy to repress emotions which doesn't leave energy for much else. I think that's one of the reasons why I'm feeling a lot of creative energy right now. In addressing my repressed emotions, I've freed up mental energy and now it's coming through creatively. It gives an excitement to the process which encourages me to continue therapy.
I'm not ready to give voice to my creative energy yet. I thought I lost my imagination, but it turns out that I had it locked away with all the rest of my emotions. As I open myself up to being vulnerable to my emotions, I can feel my imagination opening up too. I can see what I want to create from the beginning to the end with every detail in between. I've never seen an idea this clearly before. It's really cool. When I'm ready to open my creative energy up to the vulnerability of social media, I'll share the process with you. It's been fascinating to me and I'd love to share... when the time is right.
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