Honoring Crystal
I've been away for a while. I'd like to say that it's because of summer vacation and having my kids home made for a busier time, but in reality, I've been avoiding this post. I've wanted to talk about this, but death is a hard subject for me. I wasn't ready to open up the emotions attached to this particular death. After my mom died, I purposely repressed my emotions because I didn't want to add to the grief of those around me. My therapist has helped me understand that by expressing grief with others, we can mourn together and honor those who have passed. I hope to do this as I share my feelings about my friend.
I don't remember exactly when I met Crystal, but I feel like we were friends forever. I remember going to her house for sleepovers and playing around. We did all sorts of silly things that make me laugh to think about. I won't embarrass myself by getting specific, but I will say we had quite the imaginations. We connected in our sense of humor, our likes and dislikes, and our values. It was easy to be her friend and I loved being around her. She was so effortlessly beautiful and confident. I was often jealous of this, but felt special that she chose me as her friend.
It wasn't long into our friendship before her parents decided to build a house. I went with them a few times to hang out while her parents worked on the house. There was one time that we needed to use the bathroom, but they didn't have a working one yet. Her mom told us to ask the neighbor if we could use theirs. Crystal and I were so embarrassed that we made her little sister come along too. We all went into the bathroom and took turns, but instead of acknowledging that we also needed to use it, we berated her sister for taking so long. Sorry Jacqueline. Eventually the house was finished and they moved away. Although it was only 5 miles from my house, it felt like 100. We were lucky to have great parents who took turns taking us back and forth so we could still get together often. We became pen pals too which helped. She had the best Lisa Frank stationary. I was so jealous. I'd get the coolest letters in the mail with so many stickers. I felt special that she made such an effort on them.
I loved that house. I have too many memories to share from there. The sleepovers, the hanging out, the lunches and dinners, getting ready for Halloween, birthdays, Chesty, spiders, the tile on the counter that if hit just right, would break, and cable TV. It was my second home.
Our birthdays were only a week apart and once we could drive, we spent a lot more time together. I can't remember the make and model of her car now, but it was red and had a sun roof. We had so much fun driving around blasting No Doubt and singing our hearts out. I remember one time having a fairly large T-Rex toy she had been given by a boy. We would put it partially out of the sun roof and laugh at people's reactions. As an adult, I realize that most people thought we were dumb, but it was so fun at the time. We did everything together.
Then one day, we didn't. After we graduated, we went our different ways and slowly drifted apart. She went to college and I moved out of state. We talked a little here and there, but it wasn't like it once was. She got married. I got married. Life took us in different directions. She was always there for me though. Shortly after I got married, I was having a hard time with a few things in my marriage. I confided in Crystal how I was feeling and she was experiencing something similar, but on the other side. She shared such wisdom with me that it immediately put what I was struggling with into perspective and changed how I viewed the situation. I drew comfort from her words for a long time knowing and understanding what was being asked of me. I've often reflected on that wishing that I could have done the same for her in her times of need.
For a few years, we had lost contact, but thanks to Facebook we were able to reconnect shortly after my second and her first child were born. We never lost contact again. She was there anytime I had a question. Whether it was her favorite probiotic, what type of yoga she liked, what skin care she used, or simply how she was doing, she was always there. I moved back to Utah for a few years which enabled me to see Crystal more often, but not as often as I would have liked. We'd invite each other to our kids' birthdays. Sometimes we could attend and sometimes we couldn't. During that time, we were able to celebrate our birthdays by going to dinner and a movie together. After I moved again, any time I would visit, I tried to get together with her, but it wasn't always successful.
At the end of April earlier this year, we made a trip to Utah. I felt impressed to visit with Crystal and scheduled everything else around when she was available to get together. I had big plans, doing yoga together, getting lunch, spending the day together, but it ended up just being lunch. How grateful I am that I got those 2 hours. I sat across from her and her adorable son not knowing that that would be the last time I'd see her face. We talked about what I was up to and how my kids were. We talked about how she was doing and about her kids. We talked about some of her struggles, and despite her anxiety, she was optimistic. She always was. It didn't seem to matter what she was up against; she could always see the silver lining.
I'll never forget when I found out she had died. I was looking on Facebook when I saw her obituary. I stared in disbelief and knew it wasn't possible. I had just seen her three weeks before. I read and reread it hoping that I was going to wake up from a terrible dream. I called her mom and cried. How could my amazing friend be gone? Her funeral was 1300 miles away and the day after my daughter's birthday. I was hoping for an affordable flight that was late enough that I could still celebrate with my daughter, but still got me there before the funeral. I checked several times a day for a week before resigning myself to the fact that it wasn't going to happen. I found comfort in talking to friends who were able to attend and hearing that it was a wonderful service; one that I'm sure reflected Crystal in every way.
I struggled with not attending for awhile. I had just talked with my therapist a week before about how much I wished we lived in Utah. He helped me realize why that's not possible right now, but I couldn't help but be mad. If I lived there, it wouldn't have mattered that the service was the day after my daughter's birthday. I could have been there. I could have given my condolences to her mom, dad, sister, daughter, and son in person. I could have shared in the joy of her life and the sorrow in her passing. Instead, I was stuck in Texas wishing I could be there. Life has been giving me some hard lessons this year, and missing her services was one of them.
So here it is, three months later, and I miss her terribly. We weren't even that close anymore, and yet there's a hole in my heart. I miss her ridiculous texts that were full of emojis. I often laughed at them and now I would pay to see one from her. I wish so much I could text her again. I wish the next time I was in Utah I could see her. I didn't realize how big of a part she was in my life until after she was gone. I think of her when I brush my teeth because we had a conversation about technique once. I think about her when I take a probiotic because she recommended it. I'm having sciatic pain right now and I wish so much I could ask her the best yoga positions to relieve it because she would know. I wish I could ask her how she's doing and hear stories about her children. I wish we could talk about her amazing her sister and how talented her brother-in-law is. I wish we could talk about her mom and how much I miss seeing her. I wish we could laugh about our silly childhood. I wish I could hug her one last time.
I feel honored she chose me all those years ago as her friend. I feel honored that throughout her short life, she continued to seek me out and strengthen our friendship. I'm sad that she's gone. My life won't be the same without her.
Crystal, I miss you terribly. I hope you're at peace. Love you my dear friend. Goodbye.
I don't remember exactly when I met Crystal, but I feel like we were friends forever. I remember going to her house for sleepovers and playing around. We did all sorts of silly things that make me laugh to think about. I won't embarrass myself by getting specific, but I will say we had quite the imaginations. We connected in our sense of humor, our likes and dislikes, and our values. It was easy to be her friend and I loved being around her. She was so effortlessly beautiful and confident. I was often jealous of this, but felt special that she chose me as her friend.
It wasn't long into our friendship before her parents decided to build a house. I went with them a few times to hang out while her parents worked on the house. There was one time that we needed to use the bathroom, but they didn't have a working one yet. Her mom told us to ask the neighbor if we could use theirs. Crystal and I were so embarrassed that we made her little sister come along too. We all went into the bathroom and took turns, but instead of acknowledging that we also needed to use it, we berated her sister for taking so long. Sorry Jacqueline. Eventually the house was finished and they moved away. Although it was only 5 miles from my house, it felt like 100. We were lucky to have great parents who took turns taking us back and forth so we could still get together often. We became pen pals too which helped. She had the best Lisa Frank stationary. I was so jealous. I'd get the coolest letters in the mail with so many stickers. I felt special that she made such an effort on them.
I loved that house. I have too many memories to share from there. The sleepovers, the hanging out, the lunches and dinners, getting ready for Halloween, birthdays, Chesty, spiders, the tile on the counter that if hit just right, would break, and cable TV. It was my second home.
Our birthdays were only a week apart and once we could drive, we spent a lot more time together. I can't remember the make and model of her car now, but it was red and had a sun roof. We had so much fun driving around blasting No Doubt and singing our hearts out. I remember one time having a fairly large T-Rex toy she had been given by a boy. We would put it partially out of the sun roof and laugh at people's reactions. As an adult, I realize that most people thought we were dumb, but it was so fun at the time. We did everything together.
Then one day, we didn't. After we graduated, we went our different ways and slowly drifted apart. She went to college and I moved out of state. We talked a little here and there, but it wasn't like it once was. She got married. I got married. Life took us in different directions. She was always there for me though. Shortly after I got married, I was having a hard time with a few things in my marriage. I confided in Crystal how I was feeling and she was experiencing something similar, but on the other side. She shared such wisdom with me that it immediately put what I was struggling with into perspective and changed how I viewed the situation. I drew comfort from her words for a long time knowing and understanding what was being asked of me. I've often reflected on that wishing that I could have done the same for her in her times of need.
For a few years, we had lost contact, but thanks to Facebook we were able to reconnect shortly after my second and her first child were born. We never lost contact again. She was there anytime I had a question. Whether it was her favorite probiotic, what type of yoga she liked, what skin care she used, or simply how she was doing, she was always there. I moved back to Utah for a few years which enabled me to see Crystal more often, but not as often as I would have liked. We'd invite each other to our kids' birthdays. Sometimes we could attend and sometimes we couldn't. During that time, we were able to celebrate our birthdays by going to dinner and a movie together. After I moved again, any time I would visit, I tried to get together with her, but it wasn't always successful.
At the end of April earlier this year, we made a trip to Utah. I felt impressed to visit with Crystal and scheduled everything else around when she was available to get together. I had big plans, doing yoga together, getting lunch, spending the day together, but it ended up just being lunch. How grateful I am that I got those 2 hours. I sat across from her and her adorable son not knowing that that would be the last time I'd see her face. We talked about what I was up to and how my kids were. We talked about how she was doing and about her kids. We talked about some of her struggles, and despite her anxiety, she was optimistic. She always was. It didn't seem to matter what she was up against; she could always see the silver lining.
I'll never forget when I found out she had died. I was looking on Facebook when I saw her obituary. I stared in disbelief and knew it wasn't possible. I had just seen her three weeks before. I read and reread it hoping that I was going to wake up from a terrible dream. I called her mom and cried. How could my amazing friend be gone? Her funeral was 1300 miles away and the day after my daughter's birthday. I was hoping for an affordable flight that was late enough that I could still celebrate with my daughter, but still got me there before the funeral. I checked several times a day for a week before resigning myself to the fact that it wasn't going to happen. I found comfort in talking to friends who were able to attend and hearing that it was a wonderful service; one that I'm sure reflected Crystal in every way.
I struggled with not attending for awhile. I had just talked with my therapist a week before about how much I wished we lived in Utah. He helped me realize why that's not possible right now, but I couldn't help but be mad. If I lived there, it wouldn't have mattered that the service was the day after my daughter's birthday. I could have been there. I could have given my condolences to her mom, dad, sister, daughter, and son in person. I could have shared in the joy of her life and the sorrow in her passing. Instead, I was stuck in Texas wishing I could be there. Life has been giving me some hard lessons this year, and missing her services was one of them.
So here it is, three months later, and I miss her terribly. We weren't even that close anymore, and yet there's a hole in my heart. I miss her ridiculous texts that were full of emojis. I often laughed at them and now I would pay to see one from her. I wish so much I could text her again. I wish the next time I was in Utah I could see her. I didn't realize how big of a part she was in my life until after she was gone. I think of her when I brush my teeth because we had a conversation about technique once. I think about her when I take a probiotic because she recommended it. I'm having sciatic pain right now and I wish so much I could ask her the best yoga positions to relieve it because she would know. I wish I could ask her how she's doing and hear stories about her children. I wish we could talk about her amazing her sister and how talented her brother-in-law is. I wish we could talk about her mom and how much I miss seeing her. I wish we could laugh about our silly childhood. I wish I could hug her one last time.
I feel honored she chose me all those years ago as her friend. I feel honored that throughout her short life, she continued to seek me out and strengthen our friendship. I'm sad that she's gone. My life won't be the same without her.
Crystal, I miss you terribly. I hope you're at peace. Love you my dear friend. Goodbye.
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